Navigating motherhood as an expat is hard

But it’s also been the most rewarding, fun and fulfilling journey of my life so far

My daughter recently turned one, so I’ve spent the last few weeks reflecting on the ups, downs and lessons learned over the past year as a first-time expat mum. It’s been the most challenging year of my life, but it’s also been the most rewarding, fun and fulfilling. As we look to the next chapter, it’s one I know I will hold dear and of which I will be forever proud. I rarely write personal pieces, so I would love to hear your thoughts in the comments. Love Lucy Xx

Parenting is hard. Whatever the stage, wherever you are, whatever your circumstances, it’s an unpredictable roller coaster with the highest highs, the lowest lows, and everything in between. There’s the inevitable emotional and physical upheaval, the constant bouts of frustration and self-doubt (I regularly wonder if I’m doing it all wrong?), the endless decision making, conflicting parenting advice, and so, so much guilt. But there is also lots of laughter, profound joy and feelings of deep devotion that make the toughest bits more than one thousand per cent worth it. I was expecting this kind of yo-yoing, though, for no-one ever has said becoming a parent was easy. What I was not expecting, however, was the culture shock of becoming a first-time mum while living abroad.

Culture shock is widely described as a feeling of anxiety, discomfort or disorientation when subjected to a new or unfamiliar environment, culture or way of life. According to health experts, there are four distinct phases of culture shock: the honeymoon stage, the negotiation stage, the adjustment stage and the adaptation or acceptance stage. Although the term is most widely applied to the experience of moving abroad, it can also be used to describe the experience of navigating new life stages such as marriage, divorce or new motherhood, as these often follow a similar emotional arc. For me, it was twofold: becoming a new mum in a new country.

Although my husband and I have been living in Istanbul for a while now, our early experience in the city bears no resemblance to our experience in it now. We spent the first couple of years hopping back and forth from England (I still work remotely from London), travelling the country extensively for my work and exploring the city’s restaurants, bars and museums.

We enjoyed navigating the unknown, exploring our new home and learning all about Turkey’s culture, heritage and social practices, many of which differ greatly from our own. It was an adventure that we embraced wholeheartedly, even on the days when we felt challenged, homesick or overwhelmed. I didn’t experience any of the common symptoms of culture shock, which range from overriding feelings of confusion, isolation and frustration to sadness, exhaustion and helplessness. Instead, I felt free, invigorated, revived and excited (if occasionally exasperated).

Once I fell pregnant things changed a little. I was plunged deep outside of my comfort zone (physically, mentally and emotionally) and had to figure out a whole new world (life with a baby), while also navigating a new routine, set of parenting practices (the Turkish approach to birth and new motherhood differs somewhat to my own) and a new side to the city: Istanbul has no green space, is not buggy friendly and is a complete nightmare to traverse on the metro (lifts where are you?). Put simply, it’s an extremely challenging place to navigate with a demanding baby/toddler in tow.

It didn’t help that I didn’t speak the language, have a local support network, or understand the ins and outs of the health system in Istanbul, which made navigating all things birth, baby and beyond that little bit more challenging. Then there was the practical stuff to deal with such as finding an English-speaking doctor, exploring English childcare options and translating all manner of legal documents from Turkish into English pre and post birth.

I am acutely aware that many parents have navigated far more challenging, complex and distressing scenarios than mine. By my side, I have an extremely supportive husband, brilliant friends and a strong family network back home. I am also lucky not to have struggled with any pre or postpartum complications and am very grateful to now have a happy, healthy daughter. I have a job that I love, as does my husband, and I have established a daily routine here that works for me.

But the past year has been lonely at times. And overwhelming. And confusing. And disorientating. And frustrating. And tiring. I’ve felt supremely homesick and, at times, supremely isolated. I often wished that my mum could lend a hand or that I could chinwag with a friend over a cuppa. I yearned to cross-check those never-ending ‘is it normal’ questions with other new mums and often wished I could enjoy the endless stream of mum and baby classes back home. But I couldn’t because I was here. And I’m no longer afraid to admit that it has been hard at times. Really hard. And that, following the birth, I was most likely in a state of complete shock.

But, and there’s a big but, it has also been bloody brilliant. I’ve so enjoyed working out our rhythm, parenting style and new way of life away from the comparative pressures of home. I’ve absolutely loved making memories with my husband and daughter in places that we would never have gone had we not lived in Turkey, and I’ve spent more quality time with both of them over the past year than I likely would have done back home. Becoming an expat mum has also opened my eyes to new perspectives, approaches and cultural practices.

I’ve come to accept that life is and always will be a blend of the highs and lows — sometimes there’s more good than bad, sometimes there’s more bad than good — and so we have to find ways of accepting, adjusting and adapting to our ever-changing environments.

And so that’s what I did. I joined expat mum WhatsApp groups, downloaded parenting apps and podcasts, scheduled more calls with friends and family, spent quality time with my husband and daughter, went back to work and reconnected with my team in London. In doing so, I started to find my groove as a new mum in a new place and slowly began to feel like me again.

One year down the line, I am far less fearful of the unknown, more resilient and resourceful and far more confident that I can take the twists and turns of motherhood (and life!) in my stride. I’ve learnt to trust my instincts and my husband more than I could ever have imagined, a gift for which I will be forever grateful, and no longer wish I was there rather than here. I’ve learnt to be kinder to myself, ask for support when needed, embrace unpredictability rather than fear it, and find joy and comfort in routine. Most importantly, I see how extraordinarily lucky we are to have had this experience and am now so thankful for the wonderful opportunities it has afforded us.

Maybe I’ve reached the final of the four stages of culture shock, maybe it’s the healing passage of time, maybe all new mums experience this arc, I’m not sure, but what I do know is that I feel so much more settled, happy and at ease with my new identity as an expat mum and the life we are creating here than I ever thought I would.

Motherhood tests me every single day and I still have a lot to learn, of course, but I am proud of what I have achieved so far, of the mother I am becoming and of the family life we are creating away from home. Which perhaps means it’s time to dive headfirst into our next chapter…

JOIN THE CONVERSATION…I would love to hear about your parenting journey as well as any tips and tricks from expat parents who’ve been through similar experiences.